Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Behind the face of Adoption

I don't feel qualified to write about adoption,
there are Mamas who have walked harder, longer roads than I have.
My journey has been short, and fairly uncomplicated.
We've gained the sweetest 2 year old you ever did meet.
 Maxwell, Days after we were introduced to him. Jan 2014
 
However, I am going to write about a few of the feelings that I, as a mom encounter in the past 10 mo. these feelings completely blindsided me! I was in no way prepared for any of them.
When our son was first placed with us, we embraced having an 18 mo. old, none verbal little boy in the house.
The honey moon period lasted a few short weeks, in those honey moon weeks I felt like I really wanted this child to be mine, And then the hard things hit, Forcing me to face the fact that this baby boy had missed out on so much in his short life, forcing me to recognize that emotionally he was no where near 18 mo.
Anger at his Birth parents,
Why didn't they...
why did they.....
Anger that we were the ones dealing with HARD things all day and all night while they enjoyed a few pleasant hours a week with him.
Anger that they messed up what was meant to be the most secure relationship in this little boy's life.
 
As the weeks went on and our bond with this baby boy grew, as we worked on hard things, our attachment started happening, and I started thinking maybe if we came along side of birth parents and helped them then this little boy could go home and be loved and cared for by his birth parents, That's where he belonged.
At this point we really wanted him to be able to go home, I wanted him to experience the Love of a birthmom, I didn't want him to have any attachment issues, I wanted all to be perfect in his little world.
 
As we headed toward the inevitable parental termination date, we became excited, our biological children became excited.
Yet at the same time something inside of me was hurting! Yes, hurting for birth mom and birth dad, They unselfishly signed those papers that day, Saying that they wanted to give their little man a chance at a  better life then they knew could offer, My heart broke into a thousand pieces as they hugged and kissed him goodby.
But the deepest pain of all was knowing that this little boy, the one that called me 'mom', the little boy that was soon to be officially our son, would grow up with this shadow in his past. I loved this child through hard things, I loved him as much as any mother could, and for that reason I will always grieve the things that were taken away from him that day. I will cry with him, I will mourn with him. He is my son.
I will always be haunted by, Did we do enough to help reunification?
This old sinful world picked my son to walk through these hard things.
Jesus picked my husband and I to help our son walk this journey.
 
Jesus also introduced me to other adoption mamas, Mamas that have come along side of me and smiled through their own tears and simply said 'I know'.
Mamas that have told me, 'It's worth it.'
'Jesus wins'
'We've been there'
And oh so much more!!
Mamas that have texted with me late into the night, encouraging me!
Maxwell and his forever Mom, Oct 2014
 
So if you are beginning this adoption journey,
find your community!! These other adoption mamas will be the ones reminding you why you started this journey,
they will remind you to stay focused on being like Jesus to the least of these.
They will have a wealth of information,
And no fear of telling them about the HARD stuff, Chances are they've all been there before!!!
 
 
And hug those walking the journey extra tight, because behind the face of that adoptive Mom is a world of insecure thoughts, over analyzed behaviors, and hard things.

We are filled with Joy and wouldn't trade our new Son for all the carefree days in the world. Jesus Choose us to be a part of his story and for that we are forever grateful!!

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